Green Options

…beneath that fuzzy outfit lies the heart of a Pinko rat!

All this leads us to wonder: what is “The Rainbow Connection” really about?

So now you know the difference between “tactic” and “strategy.” Choose whichever you feel is necessary—just don’t be confused.

How can there be so much bull in a bear market?

You will soon be reliving the summer of ’69, rolling through the Kansas cornfields without a care.

Friends report that Ike has TIVO-d every episode of Project Runway and refuses to change his sweatpants.

“We have compelling evidence to believe that Senator McCain has subjected many pigs to heartless makeovers.”

Share the love! Give this affordable gift basket with everything needed for truly organic sex to some newlyweds!

Unless he or she is “just not that into you,” the mood has been set. Now it’s just all about where and when.

Your bed will make all the difference; a naked romp in a verdant meadow isn’t your only green option. Invest in an organic comforter set. Don’t worry—if you are living off a writer’s salary, you can get these luxurious items at an artist’s price at Target. Organic mattresses come at a slightly higher price, but are great long-term investments. An organic Natura Sunshine Mattress sells for $660.00 (Organicsleepproducts.com). Always make sure to wash your sheets with environmentally friendly soaps and softeners (like Sun and Earth Deep Cleaning Detergent) before the fun! You may even want to spritz your sheets with organic perfume, like Dream Tarts’ home fragrance in Midsummer’s Night.

Hopefully by now both (or more!) of you are ready for business. Never ever sacrifice a condom in the name of the environment; it’s just another excuse not to use one (listen ladies!). Given the right conditions, latex condoms should always decompose. However, if you are allergic to latex and use polyurethane condoms you have no choice but to throw them away (it’s the only situation where it’s not a good idea to recycle!). You cannot recycle the condom wrapper, but you should always recycle the box it came in. There are also many organic lubes to choose from. UK-based company Yes Pure Intimacy offers a great selection of water or oil based lubes (www.yesyesyes.org).

Finally, something both parties can agree on. We need to integrate green living into every aspect of our lives: a single stinky compost heap isn’t enough (it may also be a mood-killer). They may say that “politics makes for strange bedfellows,” but this three-part miniseries will teach you how to get over your differences and save the environment one orgasm at a time.

PART ONE: FOREPLAY

Set the mood right. Instead of going on a long drive down a backcountry road, opt for a walk on the beach or in a secluded garden. You will (hopefully) admit negligible amounts of carbon gas. Don’t live near a scenic getaway? Find interesting things to walk to in your neighborhood: your partner will get to know more about you when he or she see s how you interact with your environment. Although cliché, a tandem bike is also a good option because it’s environmentally safe and promotes close physical proximity.