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Senator Barack Obama has been questioned over and over again by the McCain campaign about his affiliation with ACORN, or The Association of Community Organizers for Reform Now. The FBI is currently investigating any activity that would point to ACORN’s fradulent voter registration processes for less fortunate citizens. However, Senator McCain believes that the activity is even more nefarious than it seems.

“We all know that Barack Obama has some shady ties,” says McCain, “but this one–this one breaks all the rules of human decency. We have enough evidence to assume that Obama has fraternized with an enemy that will terrorize you neighborhood. I only have two words: Trained Squirrels.

“We believe that Obama is exchanging premium-grade acorns for underground political intelligence. They sit by your windows at dinner time, hearing your discussions like fuzzy flies on the walls. They seem innocent enough–you might even want to throw them a cheez doodle–but know beneath that fuzzy outfit lies the heart of a Pinko rat!

“Mud slinging is a heavenly ordained act between a man and another man. Squirrels should never be provided the right to break the First Amendment through covert spying. They are not, and shall never be, mentioned in the Patriot Act.

“If you are a real American, you will not include acorns in your Halloween and Thanksgiving decorations. In fact, no tree nuts or dried Indian corn should be included. Only Freedom Fruits.”

Obama declined to comment.

“I tried keeping it a secret because of the industry,” says Kermit. “The last thing viewers wanted was a hippie puppet telling their kids to stick it to the man. The environment was on the bottom of the political to-do list. Vietnam was raging and we needed to save face–it’s not easy to pilot a show with so many political hurdles in your way. We needed to promote consumerism and nationalism so we wouldn’t be cancelled. It was bad enough that we were urging diversity and acceptance.

“I have decided to keep it a secret until now, and I apologize for a life of lies. I am publicly recognizing that it is easy to be green; we have so many green lifestyle options open to us that there is no way I can keep it a secret anymore. Target sells organic sheets for Pete’s sake!

Although this is his first widespread announcement of his beliefs, Kermit has let others in on his true feelings for a while. For instance, he gave the commencement speech at Southampton College in 1996, emphasizing the importance of conservation. However, he feels like he could have started earlier,

“I should have just stuck to my instincts and rejected what society wanted. I could have used by fame back then to make a difference. I hereby resign from my TV persona–“Kermit the Frog”—and introduce you to my true self—“the amphibian formerly known as Kermit the Frog.” I want to be represented by this symbol:

Kermit is scheduled to tour with Bono in 2009, and will even appear on Bill Maher in the upcoming weeks. He is currently working on converting his multi-million dollar Malibu pad from electric to solar energy.

All this leads us to wonder: what is “The Rainbow Connection” really about?

McCain mentioned last night that Obama “didn’t know the difference between a ‘tactic’ and a ‘strategy.’” I felt a little stupid because I didn’t know myself—McCain seemed to be in a wordplay league of his own. So I looked them up and tried to find the common—yet mysterious—denominator between the definitions.

A tactic is “a device for accomplishing and end” while a strategy is “a careful plan or method to accomplish an end.” So how do they differ? I would say that strategy is syntax, meaning that it’s a network of tactics that build on each other to reach a goal.

Quite simply: A tactic goes from point A to point B while a strategy runs the alphabetical gamut. A tactic is more direct, while a strategy takes extenuating circumstances into account and maneuvers around them. So, when it comes to environment policy, which candidate uses “tactics” and which uses “strategy?”

McCain wants to use an “A to B” tactic called a “cap and trade” system. The government will issue permits to industries according to their emissions ratings. For instance, a tire-making company is issued a permit with an emissions evaluation of 90. They invest in “greener machinery,” or begin to rely more on recycled materials to make their products. The government will lower their emissions permit to 70, the company can sell the margin (or an emissions evaluation of 20) to entrepreneurs, venture capitalists, and other organizations that want to buy them. Economic incentives will drive companies to lower their emissions standards in favor of a greater profit margin.

Obama uses strategy to empower American workers through job opportunities. Much like Roosevelt’s Civilian Conservation Corps, Obama’s environmental program will try to create 5 million “green collar” jobs through government intervention. Although this approach may not be as direct as John McCain’s, it takes into account an immediate need for jobs. Basically, Obama’s plan favors the creation of new green industries and distribution of green products and services, while McCain aims to make existing industries environmentally friendly. Of course there will be some overlap, yet these are the basic ideas that each candidate carries.

So now you know the difference between “tactic” and “strategy.” Choose whichever you feel is necessary—just don’t be confused.

Scientists at the University of California have been rushing to calculate exactly how much damage was done.

“I’ve never had to quantify ‘bullshit’ before,” says paleoclimatologist Dr. Haywood Giblome. “However, we came up with some rough figures that are truly startling. CO₂ has increased from about 400 parts per million (ppm) to 550 ppm within a week. This is the itemized chart of estimated emissions from each culprit:

Giblome continues, “ We are already beginning to see flooding in Northern Greenland and huge cracks in Alaskan glaciers. There’s also just so much more that we haven’t accounted for. Texting engineers? Embassy attacks? The premier of Entourage bombed? The list just goes on.”

So just how do you protect yourself? Are sunscreen and a hat good enough?

Giblome is cynical. “We have set up a simple, 2-tier alert system. Green means: “build an arc.” Red means: “jump in the arc.”

High-fructose corn syrup: is it hemlock, or the nectar of the gods? The Corn Refiner’s Association (CRA) believes the latter—that the dreaded syrup is really Aphrodite’s bathwater.

 Sure, they claim that high fructose corn syrup has the same amount of calories as sugar and has no artificial ingredients. You have probably seen the commercials combating the urban myth; Eve offers Adam a cherry-colored popsicle and he initially denies it out of unbridled piety to the American Heart Association and its pyramid of truth. She reassures him that it’s ok—American, even—and he takes it from her with an impish grin.

 But the CRA hasn’t told you everything. Not only is high-fructose corn syrup (HFCS) good for you, it also boosts romance. Dr. Ben Dofa of the National Institutes of Health reports:

 “HFCS binds to the endorphin receptors in your brain, making you undeniably randy. That’s why everyone drinks soda at parties. The lone wolf hanging out by the punch bowl isn’t a loser—he knows what he is doing.”

 HFCS also doubles as sensual massage oil.  If you want to get in the mood, just head to your pantry and break out this disaccharide treat and flip on some Barry White. You will soon be reliving the summer of ’69, rolling through the Kansas cornfields without a care.

 So next time, show up at your date’s door with a bottle of Karo and a bouquet of free-labor roses. She will be thankful you did. 

“I think that he just felt a lot of pressure in this system” says Katrina. “This is a dog-eat-dog business and only the great are remembered. He had all the makings of an epic storm, but just didn’t have that, what we like to call, ‘Storm Sparkle.’ Sure, 29 counties were declared ‘disaster areas,’ but a Category Two? He just wasn’t living up to standard.”

Friends report that Ike has TIVO-d every episode of Project Runway and refuses to change his sweatpants.

“I think he was just trying to impress Josephine, who is next up,” says Gustav. “That just made the situation sadder. This is even worse than the time he found Hanna going down on that guy in the elevator. Poor guy has lost all hope in women.”

There are reports that things have gotten so out of hand that Ike has actually befriended Lindsay Lohan. He is also trying to start a reality TV show just to pay the bills. It’s going to be called ‘Guy of the Storm’ and delve into Ike’s “normal” home life.

Although things are looking bad, Fay thinks that the clouds will break soon. “He has already started taking antidepressants and seeing a therapist. He told me that that he and Lindsay might even check into the Le Cirque Lodge together for some TLC. I just hope he doesn’t become a Scientologist.”

“We have compelling evidence to believe that Senator McCain has subjected many pigs to heartless makeovers. The one that Senator Obama insinuated was the only reported case. We know that wild pigs are indigenous North Vietnam, so probably hundreds of other pigs have suffered silently. If our world is ever going to be truly eco-friendly, we must stop vigilante animal testing.”

Of course, there is no way to tell exactly how many pigs were affected. Governor Sarah Palin defends her running mate’s environmental and ethical integrity.

“If I may ask again: What’s the difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull? Lipstick. John was only trying to elevate a pig’s rank in society through a sacred cosmetic bridge. We will get these pigs back on their feet and become functioning members of society. They will be community organizers; they will be moms. Lipstick will turn pigs into humans, just like in Animal Farm. But, of course, without all the goddamn communists.”

Some PETA members are already acting out. Instead of dumping the usual bucket of red paint, they are catapulting balloons filled with Revlon foundation at the White House. They have formed a picket line around the Washington Monument holding up this sign:

Senator McCain has only commented: “I’m not President Clinton. You don’t have to worry about me getting in trouble with a pig in lipstick.”

Now wasn’t that lovely? Suspended in post-coital bliss like a fly in amber, you might forgo all you have learned to just relax. However, it’s just as important to exercise environmentalism after sex.

Don’t light up a cigarette. Don’t even think about it.

Break out your soy-based massage oil and give your partner a light massage. Choose a soothing scent, like white tea or lavender, to help him or her relax. When you are ready to get out of bed, jump in the shower for some sudsy fun. Have an organic shampoo and conditioner ready, like Nature’s Shampoo and Conditioner (available at Beeswork.com). Wash each other with an organic cleanser like Nature’s Cleanser or Tom’s of Maine Nature Moisturizing Body Bar. As always, make sure that your shower is under five minutes! Wash up with Tom’s of Maine deodorant, toothpaste, mouthwash, and floss. Slip into organic pajamas, like Kushtushs’ two-piece silk charmeuse set for men and women. Then, snuggle together and get ready for the best, guiltless sleep of your life.

Share the love! Give this affordable gift basket with everything needed for truly organic sex to some newlyweds! You are sure to give the best present at the wedding.

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Your bed will make all the difference; a naked romp in a verdant meadow isn’t your only green option. Invest in an organic comforter set. Don’t worry—if you are living off a writer’s salary, you can get these luxurious items at an artist’s price at Target. Organic mattresses come at a slightly higher price, but are great long-term investments. An organic Natura Sunshine Mattress sells for $660.00 (Organicsleepproducts.com). Always make sure to wash your sheets with environmentally friendly soaps and softeners (like Sun and Earth Deep Cleaning Detergent) before the fun! You may even want to spritz your sheets with organic perfume, like Dream Tarts’ home fragrance in Midsummer’s Night.

Hopefully by now both (or more!) of you are ready for business. Never ever sacrifice a condom in the name of the environment; it’s just another excuse not to use one (listen ladies!). Given the right conditions, latex condoms should always decompose. However, if you are allergic to latex and use polyurethane condoms you have no choice but to throw them away (it’s the only situation where it’s not a good idea to recycle!). You cannot recycle the condom wrapper, but you should always recycle the box it came in. There are also many organic lubes to choose from. UK-based company Yes Pure Intimacy offers a great selection of water or oil based lubes (www.yesyesyes.org).

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Finally, something both parties can agree on. We need to integrate green living into every aspect of our lives: a single stinky compost heap isn’t enough (it may also be a mood-killer). They may say that “politics makes for strange bedfellows,” but this three-part miniseries will teach you how to get over your differences and save the environment one orgasm at a time.

PART ONE: FOREPLAY

Set the mood right. Instead of going on a long drive down a backcountry road, opt for a walk on the beach or in a secluded garden. You will (hopefully) admit negligible amounts of carbon gas. Don’t live near a scenic getaway? Find interesting things to walk to in your neighborhood: your partner will get to know more about you when he or she see s how you interact with your environment. Although cliché, a tandem bike is also a good option because it’s environmentally safe and promotes close physical proximity.

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Today, Americans are beginning to rely more on wind power via state-of-the-art windmills, but current industries have been unable to accommodate the sweeping demand. Many engineers have been trying to construct the windmills the old-fashioned American way—backdoor Mexican labor—but have been mostly fruitless.

“No one, no matter how poor he is, wants to move to plain states. We need people who are accustomed to northern weather, people who are willing to waste their lives in the Dakotas.

But we have finally found our answer. Thousands of Dutchmen are flying out of Holland because of a massive Tulip famine. Bryan Van der Verff, who used to own a smoke shop in Amsterdam, has settled with his family just outside Butte, Montana. He will be part of an assembly line of “green collar” Dutch workers who are trying to restart their lives. Van der Verff politely muses,

“Stervern lomp hond!”

Local shopping centers have begun to accommodate the cultural influx. Wooden Crocs are gracing the shelves of Walmart, and a dike construction project has begun around Lake Michigan. Celebrities are beginning to nip any civil unrest in the bud, hoping to avoid many of the tragedies that befell Chinese-Americans in their assimilation process. Ex-teen celebrity James Van Der Beek has become a Dutch rights activist and has helped set up summer camps in Solvang for under-privileged Dutch children.

“I’m just glad I can help,” he says. “We need to keep them occupied now that they are in a country where weed is illegal.”

Mr. Smokey Bear has always held a figurehead position. His pay is exorbitant and many firefighters believe that the money should go to a more worthwhile cause. We know that Mr. Smokey Bear has been the face of the U.S Forest Service since 1944, but we need a more modern representative. We have extended Mr. Geico Gecko and Mr. Ben Aflac offers to replace Mr. Bear.

Smokey the Bear has been spotted in the Sierra foothills in the Mojave, spending thousands of dollars in Indian casinos and rummaging through trashcans behind $10 seafood buffets. Lonepine native Shelley Birdsong reports,

Mr. Bear sat next to me at the craps tables and ordered me a giant Pina Colada. He was wearing a Hawaiian shirt and was pretty drunk already. He asked me to come up to his room. I nervously declined, and he didn’t really notice; he just got up and went to puke in the back alley.

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Alaskans are now facing a greater ecological threat with even graver social and political implications. The Prius Hemp Crisis struck the coast on July 4th, 2008, spilling tons of crude corn oil into Bristol Bay. American transportation companies are beginning to rely on corn oil instead of petrol in a herculean effort to decrease emissions. Alaska and Russia now import their fuel from the Midwest, an economic and ecological role reversal that has spawned a new breed of dangers.

Corn oil and by-products washed up onto the Alaskan coastline, sewing the seeds of defeat. Cornfields began to spring up in Bristol Bay, Anchorage, and as far north as Nome and, almost immediately, liquor store owners began to close their shops on Sundays. The Apple Company reported a sharp correlation between corn migration and iTunes purchases of John Mellencamp’s Greatest Hits.

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On March 24, 1989, 10.8 million gallons of Alaskan crude oil aboard the Exxon-Valdez curled into Prince William Sound. Known as possibly the largest ecological disaster in history, the Exxon Valdez Crisis loomed in the minds of a world on the cusp; the Wall was about to come down, but no progressive attempts had been made to stop environmental hazards.

Alaskans are now facing a greater ecological threat with even graver social and political implications. The Prius Hemp Crisis struck the coast on July 4th, 2008, spilling tons of crude corn oil into Bristol Bay. American transportation companies are beginning to rely on corn oil instead of petrol in a herculean effort to decrease emissions. Alaska and Russia now import their fuel from the Midwest, an economic and ecological role reversal that has spawned a new breed of dangers.

Corn oil and by-products washed up onto the Alaskan coastline, sewing the seeds of defeat. Cornfields began to spring up in Bristol Bay, Anchorage, and as far north as Nome and, almost immediately, liquor store owners began to close their shops on Sundays. The Apple Company reported a sharp correlation between corn migration and iTunes purchases of John Mellencamp’s Greatest Hits.

“There have been some major changes,” reports Anchorage native John Borealis. “I had to ground my pristine teenage daughter for sneaking out to the drive through with some guy named Biff!”

However, Borealis has less to worry about than many other parents, whose teenagers have been arrested in a state-wide methamphetamine bust in Denali National Park. The newly inaugurated governor Walter Mondale comments:

“Stuff like this has always been a problem in the Midwest and Palmdale, but never here! We need to wage a war on drugs, and start in our state’s schools. The Nome school system has just installed a new “Just Say No” campaign to keep kids off meth and stop corn-stem chewing in its tracks.”

The food industry has seen drastic changes as well. Local supermarkets have seen a drop in demand for fresh fish, while at least twenty new Red Lobsters have sprung up along the coast. Their three-story flagship restaurant will be located in Anchorage’s Mall of North America, set to open in spring 2009.

City planners received mysterious commands to replace all the state’s streets with yellow brick. Architects have also been ordered to design homes with storm cellars. Mondale comments once more,

“I wish we had just stuck to crude-oil–corn oil will mean the end of us. If we only had a brain…”