WASHINGTON - At 08:04 AM this morning, the International Whaling Commission (IWC) announced the end of a 21-year moratorium on commercial whaling:

The IWC has joined forces with the international community to support the development alternative fuel," said spokesman Phillip Alloway. "Due to increasing domestic oil prices and the serious implications of global warming, we understand the necessity of finding viable substitutes for petroleum. Whales represent a vast untapped, convenient, and usable source of oil that can be made into a renewable fuel, namely biodiesel.

Biodiesel, a diesel-like fuel usable in all diesel engines, can be made from any plant or animal oil, including animal fat. The raw oil is combined with methanol and lye to make biodiesel, a 'methylalkyl ester', or in this case, 'whale-oil ethyl ester' (WOME ). A whale's body mass typically contains up to 50% blubber - the portion of the animal processed into whale oil - making it the highest-producing biodiesel feedstock currently available (compared to soybeans at 14% oil, and palm kernels at 36% oil). Although thedevelopment of Whale-Oil Biodiesel (WOBD ) is novel, the use of whale oil as a 'biofuel' is nothing new. In fact, until the discovery of petroleum, whale oil was the predominant lubricant and fuel source,combusting in street lamps worldwide. It's the oil that temporarily made Nantucket the richest city in America.

ExxonMobile (EM), one of the newest leaders in renewable energy, declared plans for extensive whaling operations and a marketing campaign for the WOBD.

"We already have the ships and the infrastructure. All we needed was the go-ahead" said senior VP George Phullmaker.

In anticipation of the announcement, EM said it has reconfigured the Exxon-Bengal (one if it's largest supertankers) to accommodate whaling equipment. The ship now features 3 rocket-propelled harpoons with built-in GPS tracking devices, although one crewmember said the pride and joy is an antique wooden whaling skiff salvaged from the Essex, now mounted on the deck for "aesthetic purposes". The most important feature of the Bengal, however, may be its ability to manufacture biodiesel while at sea:

"In addition to standard boilers for converting blubber to oil, we also have a refinery that can process about 10 million gallons of oil into ASTM quality biodiesel per year. "

Since the average sperm whale weighs 80,000 lbs, that means an average of about 5,228 gallons of oil can be derived from each catch.

"In the old days, ships could only process about one whale every three days. Now we can do about 6 whales a day, which means we can collect about 219,607 gallons of oil each week. The nice thing is, was can process and even blend all this oil without ever landing in port."

From a distribution perspective, it’s a recipe for success. EM can now deliver millions of gallons of biodiesel anywhere in the world, allowing the corporation to seek out ports offering premium prices.

"We are not concerned by international regulations of any kind," the EM spokesman said.

With the price of biodiesel in the U.S. hovering around $3.00/gallon, WOBD could be a financial windfall.

ExxonMobile is very proud of supporting this new renewable fuel. The benefits of biodiesel are clearly established. Furthermore, there is no need to worry about oil spills anymore: whale oil is biodegradable and non-toxic.

But not everyone was happy about the IWC's decision, and international protest commenced immediately. Environmental groups expressed a mixture of shock and horror.

"We are speechless… I can't believe this is happening," was all one advocate could muster.

"It was only a matter of time until this feedstock was considered as viable," Jim Whaler of Whale Rights Watch said. "We thought it would take at least $5.00/gallon gas before it happened, but well, whatever…"

Others were quick to question the logic behind the proposal:

"How many whales can there possibly be? It's ridiculous! Even if they could harvest every last whale in the ocean, it would only meet about 1-2% of theUS's fuel needs."

The IWC and EM were quick to counter these comments:

Despite reports of plummeting populations, there are numerous species that have rebounded in the last 21 years. But take a worst-case scenario like the Humpback whale: most estimates put the number of Humpbacks at about 10,000 whales today. It would take at least 47 years to harvest the whole population, yielding 65,613,756 gallons of usable oil.

Critics maintain that this is only 0.23% of the alternative fuel that will be required by the 2005 Renewable Fuel Standard.

GreenOptions managed to ask EM spokesman Phillip Alloway for direct comment (via personal communication):

Look, whales are doomed anyway. We all know that global warming is raising sea temperatures, right? Well pretty soon it's going to be too hot for all those phytoplankton that the whales eat, and guess what - no more whales. I know, it's a Catch-22. Nobody actually likes whaling, but at least were trying to do something for the environment… Hey, you aren't recording this are you?

David Cornell, a scientist, confirmed Alloway's prediction. "Oceanic warming will eventually inhibit formation of calcium-carbonate skeletons in animals at the bottom of the food chain," he said. "This has grave implications for all sea life, not just whales."

An international whaling frenzy is anticipated as fleets compete to be the 'first in the water'. The announcement has even inspired the decedents of Nantucketwhaleman to resurrect century-old traditions. "There's a sea of oil out there," one enthusiastic fisherman said. "You just have to go out there and get it."

No one is quite sure how the WOBD will compare to biodiesel currently available, although it's expected to be similar to fuel made other types of animal fat. One major concern is how the burning fuel will smell, and some municipalities are already murmuring about banning the fuel: "We don't want downtown to smell like Nantucket harbor in 1835."

But the bottom line is this: increasing fuel demand combined with pressure for alternative fuels could prompt a whaling boom that makes Nantucket whalemen look like a bunch of amateurs.

Quick Facts:
What it is: Whale Oil Biodiesel (or WOBD)
Who can use it: WOBD will burn in any diesel engine without modification
Where you can buy it: Look for WOBD at your local biofuel station by fall of this year
Benefits: Increased lubricity, decreased reliance on foreign oil, creates domestic jobs.

Bumper Sticker

UPDATE: April Fools!